people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
