Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
