Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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