my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
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dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
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