So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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