I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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