Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
