i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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