There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
