I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
