No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
