dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
