apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
