Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much