I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
there is glitter all over my balls
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
