and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
