i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
