I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You need a sexual gate keeper
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize