Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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