My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
