forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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