My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
