please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
