i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
