just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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