just come out here and I will go home with you...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
