If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
