take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
