just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
