The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
