he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is the high leading the old right now
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
