They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I looked at my own cervix.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
