I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
