i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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