That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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