My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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