tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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