I am in a vortex of obligation.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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