It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
