Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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