Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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