My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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