Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just gargled with NyQuil
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
