I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
