At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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