Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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