My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
