it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
