Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
