Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize