i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
