Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
