the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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