Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
