I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
